


Naming Scars

by teacup-dragon (Lady_Anakin)



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Cutting, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5254004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anakin/pseuds/teacup-dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journal entries of Jedi Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, during the Clone Wars</p>
            </blockquote>





	Naming Scars

Holo diary entry #13  
I don't know why I didn't expect it to hurt. Maybe because I knew where it was coming from. I still can't fathomed why I cut myself. The stress from the war? The deaths? The pressure?  
But only moments ago I unleashed hell on my forearm, on top. Lots of thin red lines embedded in my orange. But not that deep. When they all bled they beaded up. But I cried. It stung. And I can't believe I did it. But Force does it itch! And it's warm, why is that comforting? It's soothing.  
I want it to stop so I can slide back on my gauntlet and pretend it didn't happen. I think about to what started this and it all comes back to my master. He's not hard on me, or at least doesn't mean to be. He does care for me a lot and I him. And that's why it hurts more when I disappoint him. When I fail him. Even though every time he tells me I didn't fail him. He's too kind. No, he's the best master I could ever ask for, and that is exactly why I can't fail. 

Anakin got hurt. It wasn't even my fault, but he still got hurt. Aayla told me to let go, and that would be the best for my master. I told her I understood but I still don't. A Master and Padawan's bond is sacred and I almost lost that. He's my brother, wouldn't this still be the right way to react?  
That was my tipping point to be honest. How I crashed. All those thin red lines.  
I'm so sorry Anakin. 

Holo diary entry #15  
I really did fail Anakin this time. I have never screwed up this bad. Men have died under my command many times now, but they never died directly because of my mistake. My foolish idea.  
I should never disobey a direct order like that again. I never will. I hope I won't.  
I'm so sorry Matchstick, Axe, Slammer, and Tucker. 

 

Holo diary entry #17  
I tortured someone today. Inadvertently. It was my idea to reach into his mind and dig for information. Didn't think it was literal. To watch him cry for them to stop...I could feel his torment, his begging even when he wasn't speaking clear, through the Force. My heart broke, but I still hate this guy. Cad Bane is a ruthless kidnapping, clone killing, greedy sonofabitch.   
Yet I cut for him.   
I didn't even cry this time as I did it. I now have a trusty blade that I took from a utility knife handle that I hide wrapped up in some blood red silk (deliberate) then tucked into one of the pockets on my belt at the bottom of the pocket under my Jedi supplies. Supplies used for good. To help people.  
My blade helps me, doesn't that count?  
It's my comfort.  
I'm scaring now. I cut between them, slow and deliberate. This is what I shouldn't have done.

My idea. I could of killed him! He's murderous, but that's not a way to die. If in war or sentence to death at trial, yes. But by the hands of the Jedi? Green hands. Blood dripping hands. I had a nightmare my hands were soaked in green, blood droplets fall on my boots between my fingers. I had punched into the back of his head. 

We tore into him – I tore deeper until I saw deep red.  
I had to stop there.  
I hate you, but I am sorry, Cad Bane.

 

Holo diary entry #22

I don't want to kill again, I really don't want to kill. Destroying droids is one thing, but having to face the fact that you may actually have to take your best friends life?  
I don't know what I would of done if I didn't find a way to save Barriss.

That connection thing that Master Aayla told me about, about getting too close to Anakin? I think the person I'm having that problem with is Barriss.  
With Barriss I feel like I want something more. That thing Jedi are not supposed to crave. I'm not talking about passion. I'm too young for that. I think. But that's not what's the matter here. I'm not supposed to feel this way for her. I'm a girl. She's a girl. We're Jedi. Who do I ask? Will I be in trouble? Would they just tell me I should of “let go” as always and been ready to kill her as she was possessed by those Geonosian worms.  
I killed those possessed clones with ease. Without a thought. Oh Force why didn't I discover how to stop them sooner? They shouldn't of had to die. All my fault, as usual. See Anakin, this is how I fail.  
I killed clones.  
I got too attached to my fellow Padawan.  
And yet you told me you were proud?  
Will you stay proud of me when you some day find my arm all torn up.  
I had to cut on top of scars this time. I need to find a new place to do this. Or I need to stop.  
I'm so scared that I can't stop.  
It's starting to not hurt any more. 

I'm so sorry, Barriss.

Holo diary entry #30  
I think I might actually be getting better. I was foolish, disappointed my master, lost my lightsaber. Except I didn't actually disappoint him. He had no idea. I did find it, with lots of help though, but I learned my lesson.  
It wasn't as serious as the other reasons I hurt myself but I still didn't try. I didn't think of it other than the fact I didn't want to do it.  
I'm healing. 

 

Holo diary entry #46  
I died yesterday.  
How do you come back from that? Was what I saw, it? A screaming vortex of hands pulling you in. Was that hell I was headed?   
But Anakin brought me back, it was so quick, I snapped in and out.   
We are taught to accept death with opened arms and to go in peace. There was no peace. I can't tell them that. I felt broken and evil and that maybe the sith had still infected me.  
If I could bleed it out. Bleed all of Mortis out of me.   
I tried and couldn't. Instead I sat there rocking, head between my knees, aching to cry.   
I couldn't go to my master for this. We saw each other as Sith. Hard to face your big brother after that. We are so capable it makes me question what will make us tip.   
If I could bleed the darkness out...  
I can attempt. I'll do it for the Force.  
I relapsed anyways. I hadn't cut in months. To think I actually thought I was better. I get a pass for this. I died for Force sake!  
I finally found a new place. There wasn't much room but I actually touched my wrist this time, it bled so much more. It actually hurt again. I could feel! Feeling was a wonderful thing. I wasn't dead. I wasn't dead inside, either.  
I had to do it quick this time and afterwords I shook so hard. I had the dark idea to try my other wrist. The shaking worsened. I actually thought I was going to die this time. I went back to my previous position of sitting, rocking, head between my knees, but this time I cried. I cried until my throat hurt.  
Anakin heard. I was scared at first because what if he would be mad at me? But he didn't even ask. He patched me up. He pulled the blanket off my bed and wrapped it around me and sat on the floor with me and just talked to me. He talked about the mission report to the Council. He told me in great detail the looks Master Yoda and Master Windu gave each other. He even mimicked them for me. I even smiled.  
I was no longer scared of him like I was when I saw him go evil. He was still able to hug me after I was evil. This is why I love him, my big brother. Nothing will take him away from me, ever. 

Holo diary entry #50  
I'm happy to be home. I really am. I'm happy to be back with my master and to no longer be hunted by Trandoshans.  
But someone died in my arms today, Kalifa. She died. Another Padawan like me.  
These are getting harder to write. It's automatic. Someone dies. I cut. Now it's happening on my thigh.  
Anakin made the time to talk to me and of course he noticed that the blood was soaking through my leggings enough. I didn't mean to cut that deep.  
“Ahsoka...” he said, he always used my name when things were serious, unless he was scared and wanted me to not be scared as well. “You're not weak. Others would tell you this is weakness but it's you trying to be stronger. I'm not going to lie, I want you to stop more than anything. I can't stand to see you go through this but I know I can't save you from this war, you are bound by duty.”  
I told him I was just like him.  
He said, “You have no idea, Snips.” he hugged me. “I love you so much, you're not alone.”  
I'll never be alone as long as I have my master. 

 

Holo diary entry #52  
I can't write as much as I used to. And what would I write about? Everything is becoming too much, I can't handle it, but I keep on a strong face because I still want to make my master proud. I think I scared him, though.  
Our last mission I had to pretend to be a slave, and I could tell Anakin was not comfortable with the idea, considering his history.  
And now I understand why and I was only a slave for two days. He was for nine years!  
When we got home I had the idea to cut myself, it has become such an automatic thought that it's hard to face. So I look to my master, look at him still so brave after that horror. But then I look to my Master and I see the same pain on his face that I see when I look in the mirror after crying and cutting.  
He probably does it too. He knows I do it.. That's why he comforts me. That's why he comforts me so well, because he needs it too.  
But I will still be strong for him. For the both of us.  
I'm going to quit again. 

Holo diary entry #1  
I need to start again. In diary and life. I left the Jedi order but I can't think about that ordeal now. I want to hurt myself. I have a dagger I lifted off a thug, since my lightsabers are gone. And I left my blades in my room, which I didn't even bother to pick up my possessions, which were my blades, my lightsaber, and a holo picture of Anakin, Rex, and I.  
I can't trust how clean this blade is. Nor can I trust someone will be there and not ask questions to why I was crying. Someone to let me lay against them until I felt better. Anakin was that someone. Didn't ask. Just let me lay my head in his lap and sometimes rub my back. 

But now he's gone from my life.  
I was doing so well but this is a good reason to start cutting again.  
I think I will  
I'm sorry, Anakin. This one is for you.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I wrote another cutting fic and it didn't have a happy ending this time. I'm going through yet another bout of self-harming problems and when I do, I write.


End file.
